RD.COM Humor Jokes
Reader's Digest EditorsUpdated: Feb. 13, 2023
For when you need the laughs to come fast.
Have you ever started to tell a joke only to forget the punchline halfway through? While the forgetfulness could be funny on its own, no one wants to suffer through the embarrassment of messing up a good joke, especially if it’s one of the funniest jokes of all time. Sometimes you need to get a quick laugh on demand and what better way to do it than with one of these short jokes? You can pull these out of your back pocket when you’re in need of something funny on the fly along with the funniest one-liners, some “what do you call?” jokes, and even something to get the small folks giggling with these short jokes for kids.
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
I invented a new word!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast. Here are some dark jokes to check out if you have a morbid sense of humor.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house. Don’t miss these hilarious egg puns that will absolutely crack you up.
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
RELATED: Biology Jokes
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side. Check out these other “why did the chicken cross the road?” jokes for more laughs.
Where are average things manufactured?
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
RELATED: Mom Jokes
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
RELATED: Limericks for Kids
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
How does Moses make tea?
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
RELATED: Work-from-Home Jokes
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause. Don’t forget to bookmark these other “what’s the difference between” jokes that will crack you up.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
RELATED:St. Patrick’s Day Jokes
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks— I’ll never part with it!
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do you call a fake noodle?
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.
What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head. If you loved this, you’ll get a kick out of these dog puns.
What do you call a magic dog?
What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
The space bar.
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked at me surprised.
RELATED:Funny Relatable Tweets
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
How do poets say hello?
Hey, haven’t we metaphor? If you’re a word nerd, here are 20 grammar jokes that are hilarious.
Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
RELATED:Funniest Twitter Accounts
Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
How does a rabbi make his coffee?
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
Rest in peace to boiling water.
You will be mist.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
RELATED:Funny Parenting Tweets
How do you throw a space party?
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.
Why can’t male ants sink?
Want to hear a construction joke?
Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.
Talk is cheap?
Have you ever talked to a lawyer?
Why did the gym close down?
It just didn’t work out!
Two artists had an art contest.
It ended in a draw!
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.
I lost my case.
I have a fear of speed bumps.
But I am slowly getting over it.
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.
What did one traffic light say to the other?
Stop looking! I’m changing!
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why is England the wettest country?
Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay. He woke up.
What are shark’s two most favorite words?
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Where does the sheep get his hair cut?
The baa baa shop!
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.
Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.
RELATED: Fish Puns
How do trees get online?
They just log on!
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted. Now that you’ve learned 101 new short jokes to share with your friends, check out these classic Laffy Taffy jokes that will sweeten everyone’s day.
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Originally Published: May 25, 2021